Hi, hello, how are ya? It’s me. Back again with a pregnancy rant. SURPRISE! Here are just a few – truly, this is a fairly consolidated list – of the things you should veer far, far away from saying to any expecting mom.

Side note: Not all of these have been said to me, but the majority have. I have had no problem whatsoever putting whoever said the offending comment in their place. But I have seen a LOT of my pregnant friends dealing with the comments with a tight-lipped smile on their face. Just be kind and do not comment AT ALL on ANYTHING when it comes to a pregnant woman’s ongoings.

  1. Get all the sleep you can, while you can LOL. – Thank you for imparting your invaluable wisdom on us. We have already been informed of this side-effect of children.
  2. I hope you like being poor! – Ditto the above.
  3. Wow. you’re huge! Are you sure it’s not twins? – By the time a woman is showing, she has already been for oooh, two or more scans. It is VERY rare to miss two heartbeats, two gestational sacs, two fetal poles, and more, over the course of that many ultrasounds. All that your words will do is stress her out and she will be Googling “Why is my bump so large”. There are many awful, even fatal, reasons that a woman’s bump could be larger than usual and you are not helping by highlighting it.
  4. Wow, you’re so small! – To date this has been my most commonly commented quip. I do think that people are trying to compliment me in noting that I am carrying small but, like with the above comment, measuring small can mean all sort of horrible things. DO NOT COMMENT ON THE SIZE OF A BUMP! So many factors effect the size of a woman’s bump that have nothing to do with anything other than her body type. Just shush.

    Literally had to add whale emojis to cover bath-towels hanging on the door. Unf. you can still see a full laundry basket behind me. See, we already look like a child lives here!
  5. Have you tried ginger for your nausea? I dedicated an entire blog post to this while in the throes of first trimester sickness and I stand by it. EVERY SINGLE PERSON who hears you are struggling with sickness will suggest ginger. Ginger ale, pickled ginger, ginger biscuits, fresh ginger, sushi ginger, ginger bon-bons… the list goes on. I tried every single one of the listed forms of ginger and more. Again, people are trying to be helpful but really. What nausea-ridden person has NOT tried the most commonly suggested reliever of morning sickness? And, spoiler alert, it does nothing to help.
  6. I hope you’re ready to hate your boyfriend/husband/baby-daddy for the first few years. – This one is just ugly. I am sorry if YOU hated your partner and if your relationship struggled due to your child. I am fully prepared for a baby to completely disrupt our lives in a way that I cannot comprehend. But until then, let us live in our bubble of love and excitement. Plus this child has about 97 grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other assorted family members lining up to babysit. At this stage I am more concerned that we will barely see her let alone want to kill each other over hectic parental responsibility driving us mad.
  7. You know you’re going to poo on yourself during labour. Like a LOT. – I am PETRIFIED of the thought of this almost as much as I am afraid of giving birth 😉 But no. Either no one recalls pooing during labour or they all conveniently forget. But I have found maybe 2 out of the +-50 woman I ask admit to this. Yes, I ask everyone. That is how afraid I am. Plus my midwife has delivered, like, four million babies and she says it very rarely happens. Will report back in 2 months 😉
  8. Breast is best/Formula all the way/Natural birth ONLY/Out the sunroof ONLY – Again. Unless a pregnant woman has singled you out and pin pointedly asked you for your expressive opinion on the matter, do not – I REPEAT – DO NOT comment your opinion on what is the best method of feeding or birthing. I had a friend, a male friend, negatively comment on our planned home-birth and I basically ripped a hole into him. You are uneducated and uninformed on a subject and that is not my problem. Surely you have more issues to concern yourself with than that of my child’s birth.
  9. Any and all horror stories. – I sincerely do NOT want to hear your story, nor do I care, about your friend who had to be cut from vagina to anus. I also don’t need to know that your sister-in-law bled so badly in labour that she needed a full-body blood transfer. Neither do I need to hear how your aunt’s brother gave birth and his baby had the chord wrapped around his neck and died. Stay far far away from pregnant people with your nasty stories!!!Again, and I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT comment on someone’s birth choice. Like I mentioned above, South Africans are conditioned to believe that the only way to do things birth-wise is in a hospital with a doctor. We have had many people – including family members – show complete disbelief and then comment (!!!!) when we tell them that we plan to home-birth.
  10. You shouldn’t eat/drink that. – Listen, each to their own. There is a list as long as my body of items to stay away from in pregnancy. Personally I have stayed far away from alcohol (and I did not smoke to begin with) but with time I have started eating a few of the forbidden items. Eg, sushi, biltong, mayonnaise. Your doctor will generally tell you that, in this day and age, as long as you are eating from a clean restaurant where you have not had previous experiences contracting food poisoning, you can go for it. You may think you are merely informing said pregnant person but chances are good that she already knows what she should and should not eat. And if she wants to take the chance, then let her. If YOUR baby is growing inside of someone’s womb and you see them knocking back the Jägerbombs with a side of raw salmon and raw eggs, then you should probably step in. Otherwise, hush.

I am going to stop right here. Chris has already asked me what I am typing so furiously 😉

In closing, I know this list seems nasty and rather “I’m a millennial, everything offends me”. But please, do your pregnant friends, colleagues, and acquaintances a favour. If they want to hear your opinions, thought, concerns, and horror stories, let them come to you and request them!

Rayne XX